Whisper to a Scream

As I walked out from the car last night, I started to reminisce. Memories began to linger wherever I looked around the place where I call home. Everything reminded me of him, what could I do to put that away? It was my gate that allowed him to leave. It was on my lawn that we last wrapped our arms around each other. It was behind my door where he gave back what Ive given to him. It was my living room where it all started and ended. It was heartsick to look anywhere. It doesn't feel like home anymore.

I was emotionally exhausted if that even make sense. I was worn out of thinking of what could have been and of being at the bottom. All I wanted to do was just to lie on my bed and close my eyes. Oh how I wish I was stronger than I thought I was. I despise myself when I allow tears to fall down upon this face. I needed to stop it. It did, but only when I have fallen asleep. I wished for the night to just pause, so that I wouldn't have to wake up. But who am I kidding? However long the night is, the dawn will eventually break. I woke up as soon as my alarm rang, which was very rare. I knew it was still early and I knew it was my queue to get up to study.. but I chose not to. I chose not to open my eyes. I chose for the morning to still be night time. Why? Cause I wanted to escape from reality. Cause I didn't want to feel miserable all over again. Cause I didn't want to realise that his presence is no longer around. It worked, but only for several hours. I was lying to myself and that isn't something that I would do. I was not being myself. To be honest, I haven't been myself for the past few weeks already. Sigh, what's wrong with me?

I told myself to get back into the reality world. So I got up and took my shower. Oh I hate mirrors. It reflects on how you look, how miserable I looked. It also has the power of questioning yourself that would make you burst into tears. Magical, ain't it? I needed the water to flow down through my face, and this time, it's the piped water that I wanted to do the job. I let it run through me as long as possible, as if it felt like it was cleansing my sorrow away. It would have been better if I had a bath tab in my shower room. I would want to just stay under the water, to forget other matters except for myself. That's the time where I would decide to drown myself or to breathe back again. I kept telling myself to runaway from what's real but again, who am I fooling around with? There's no such thing as escaping from such world.

It has only been a few hours of the day, and I can't even stand on my own feet. I chose to sit on this bed in this dark room of mine. As I'm typing this down, I let music to control me. Feels like only they know how I feel and it feels good. However, it's making me not to let go yet..



Please don't fade away..